The Thoughts I Think.

Tonight is one of those rare occasions in which I know when I finally lay myself down to sleep, that I have no need to wake up until I have satiated myself with slumber. It is nights like these that I exercise my power to stay awake for as long as possible and wait till the dim twilight of my mind, between fully awake and fully asleep, to start typing out the thoughts I think.

I try so hard to make art out of all my thoughts that sometimes when I reach a creative plateau I just stop thinking those thoughts altogether out of desperate frustration. And then there are the times when I avoid thinking the thoughts that keep me thinking because it is easier not to. Or the thoughts that keep me hurting but those thoughts are so hard to stop. Then, every so often I indulge myself with the musings that can only ever be thought and not lived. And I linger in that world of wishes for as long as I can before returning to what's real. I think we think about reality less than a lot of other thinkings. If you really think about it, thoughts about reality are a bit redundant. Reality is what is. Right now.

We don't need to think "I am breathing," we just are, and that is reality. Even when we sit and toil with the situations we would have longed to avoid, it is not the facts that we consider but the questions. That's not reality, that's inquisition. When we do repetitiously replay the reality of this life in our minds, we are no longer thinking, but dwelling. And despite the sincerity with which we declare to ourselves "I am going to have a great day," this is still not reality, rather it is hope. The hope that that hope will become reality.

I like to think of our thoughts as a solar system- with a gravitational pull as strong as that of the sun, bringing us back to those notions we can't shake. The thoughts we are drawn to the most but need more than anything not to think about because if we stare into those thoughts for too long we will go blind. Thinking about what you want doesn't make it appear just like thinking about what you're afraid to lose doesn't take it away.

Thoughts should be used for good. Like "what can I do to make today count?" Our thoughts should move us forward, not glue our feet to the floor of now, and certainly not drag us into the realm of what was or what wasn't because neither of those matter to Tomorrow who just wants us to appreciate him for all he's worth.

Such Great Heights.

Sometimes you just need to drive around for a long time with no destination, or even direction, and play some mellow music that makes you feel like you're in a scene from a movie, praying that a happy ending can actually happen off screen too.

And sometimes nothing feels better than to sit on the stairs in your backyard and look at the stars without thinking about anything except how far they go.

There are times when you just need to sleep. And times when you need to say everything you are feeling to somebody who really cares.

Sometimes you need to write.

And sometimes you need to delete everything you wrote because it's crap but at least writing it made you feel better.

And no matter if you're doing any or none of these things: don't, even for one second, ever forget to love yourself.

My new fascination.

Poetry.

I am obsessed. I've started writing it, reading it, listening to it. Everything. I don't know how I have been overlooking this most amazing form of art for the last all of my life.

Last year, almost exactly a year ago in fact, my buddies and I went to a poetry slam in Chicago. The whole weekend was a blast but it was those few hours of poetry that really blew me away. It was something I had never experienced before and I remember just loving it.

Somehow though, I put that night into a box and tucked it away until recently. Nothing embarrassing happened or anything, I didn't mean to never think about it. I just forgot. Until like 3 days ago and I started googling poetry like nobody's business.

I've been digging all of Buddy Wakefield's stuff (he was the main guy we went to see in Chicago)as well as other performers in the Elephant Engine High Dive Revival- the tour they were on. They came through Wichita on Wednesday and I was this close to going. Only one of the three dudes I went to Chicago with was willing to drive to Kansas from Columbia (or St. Louis). Bummer.

But anyway, that has been much of my life lately. Also, it's fall which blows my mind. I have been absolutely giddy with excitement about this change in weather. I told my friend Daniel the other day that I am "high on fall." And it feels good, man.

I think I will start posting some of my poetry on here. maybe. We'll see. But that is all for now, have a delightful weekend!