Mirrors.

Have you ever noticed that how you feel about your appearance can vary depending on what mirror you're looking into? For instance, the mirror in my car always projects this deceptively hideous reflection of myself. Unfortunately, this happens to be the mirror into which I'm almost always looking while I apply my make-up. Ergo, I spend a lot of mornings feeling exceptionally ugly. Then, later in the day I'll look at myself in a different mirror and be like, "daaaaang, lil mama"(the voice of my inner monologue is black) without changing anything about my appearance. I'm sure it all comes down to differences in lighting and quality among the varying mirrors, and the endless mystery of the human psyche, but it's still bizarre to me.

I think this can be symbolic of the way we see ourselves through other people. Some people make us feel like a million dollars when we look into their eyes. Other people can make us feel extremely insecure. Some people shed light on the blemishes we fail to completely cover up, while others have just the right light to make our smiles look their whitest. There are people around which we can never fully be ourselves, and it's as if we're constantly sucking in to make sure we're just right. And then there are those people whom we love that make the perfect mirrors, the ones that reflect us just as we are. And although they don't ask us to change anything, they help us become the person we want to see when we look at ourselves.

Trying to change people is like cleaning a mirror. When we clean mirrors we merely scan the surface for toothpaste and water spots without actually seeing what is being reflected. It's an odd feeling to look at a mirror without looking into it; you have to deliberately limit your sight. Sometimes we try to "clean" people without really seeing them and without seeing ourselves. All we see is what needs to be removed to make them better.

I'm not really sure what the moral of this post is. I suppose I am just imploring everyone to focus less on the problems you see in your own (and others') reflections and try to consistently love the person you are despite the lens through which you are viewing yourself. It's okay to see things you'd like to work toward changing, as long as you still love the person that you are. You are beautiful, I hope you know that.

Surprising yourself.

My entire life I have loved surprises. I can't get enough of them. I don't just mean gifts and things like that. I am talking anything and everything unexpected. I love when people go out of their way to do something for me that I  was not expecting. It's not easy because I'm devastatingly optimistic and always expect the world out of people, and out of the world (...?). It goes both ways, I love surprising other people too. I just enjoy when my life is filled with things out of the ordinary, things I didn't see coming. I love not being able to predict the end of a movie. I love getting a random text out of the blue. I love getting flowers for no reason (although that has only happened once). I love finding things. I love running into people. I love stumbling upon an adorable little shop. I love it all.

Lately, I think I've been waiting for a surprise. Like some kind of "Ta-da! Everything is fixed now and you're going to be happy forever. Surprise!" But that's the thing about surprises: you can't wait for them. You can't expect or hope for them. I mean, that's kind of the point. And you can't always want surprises to come from someone else. My new thing right now is striving to surprise myself. I've been doing too much of letting outside forces (and people) determine how I feel and act. I have gotten miserably predictable. It's time for me to take back control. This is my life and I'm wasting it.

Here's to living! Do something you wouldn't have expected yourself to do. Surprise yourself!

Say Yes.

I'm finding myself unable to form my thoughts into words, so I will use someone else's. This is one of my favorite poems by one of my greatest inspirations, Andrea Gibson.

when two violins are placed in a room
if a chord on one violin is struck
the other violin will sound the note
if this is your definition of hope
this is for you
the ones who know how powerful we are
who know we can sound the music in the people around us
simply by playing our own strings
for the ones who sing life into broken wings
open their chests and offer their breath
as wind on a still day when nothing seems to be moving
spare those intent on proving god is dead
for you when your fingers are red
from clutching your heart
so it will beat faster
for the time you mastered the art of giving yourself for the sake of someone else
for the ones who have felt what it is to crush the lies
and lift truth so high the steeples bow to the sky
this is for you
this is also for the people who wake early to watch flowers bloom
who notice the moon at noon on a day when the world
has slapped them in the face with its lack of light
for the mothers who feed their children first
and thirst for nothing when they’re full

this is for women
and for the men who taught me only women bleed with the moon
but there are men who cry when women bleed
men who bleed from women’s wounds
and this is for that moon
on the nights she seems hung by a noose
for the people who cut her loose
and for the people still waiting for the rope to burn
about to learn they have scissors in their hands

this is for the man who showed me
the hardest thing about having nothing
is having nothing to give
who said the only reason to live is to give ourselves away
so this is for the day we’ll quit or jobs and work for something real
we’ll feel for sunshine in the shadows
look for sunrays in the shade
this is for the people who rattle the cage that slave wage built
and for the ones who didn’t know the filth until tonight
but right now are beginning songs that sound something like
people turning their porch lights on and calling the homeless back home

this is for all the shit we own
and for the day we’ll learn how much we have
when we learn to give that shit away
this is for doubt becoming faith
for falling from grace and climbing back up
for trading our silver platters for something that matters
like the gold that shines from our hands when we hold each other

this is for the grandmother who walked a thousand miles on broken glass
to find that single patch of grass to plant a family tree
where the fruit would grow to laugh
for the ones who know the math of war
has always been subtraction
so they live like an action of addition
for you when you give like every star is wishing on you
and for the people still wishing on stars
this is for you too

this is for the times you went through hell so someone else wouldn’t have to
for the time you taught a 14 year old girl she was powerful
this is for the time you taught a 14 year old boy he was beautiful
for the radical anarchist asking a republican to dance
cause what’s the chance of everyone moving from right to left
if the only moves they see are NBC and CBS
this is for the no becoming yes
for scars becoming breath
for saying i love you to people who will never say it to us
for scraping away the rust and remembering how to shine
for the dime you gave away when you didn’t have a penny
for the many beautiful things we do
for every song we’ve ever sung
for refusing to believe in miracles
because miracles are the impossible coming true
and everything is possible

this is for the possibility that guides us
and for the possibilities still waiting to sing
and spread their wings inside us
cause tonight saturn is on his knees
proposing with all of his ten thousand rings
that whatever song we’ve been singing we sing even more
the world needs us right now more than it ever has before
pull all your strings
play every chord
if you’re writing letters to the prisoners
start tearing down the bars
if you’re handing our flashlights in the dark
start handing our stars
never go a second hushing the percussion of your heart
play loud
play like you know the clouds have left too many people cold and broken
and you’re their last chance for sun
play like there’s no time for hoping brighter days will come
play like the apocalypse is only 4…3…2
but you have a drum in your chest that could save us
you have a song like a breath that could raise us
like the sunrise into a dark sky that cries to be blue
play like you know we won’t survive if you don’t
but we will if you do
play like saturn is on his knees
proposing with all of his ten thousand rings
that we give every single breath
this is for saying–yes

this is for saying–yes

Unspoken.

Oh the things I would say if I still believed it could make you change
The things I'd say if I hadn't already said them so many times before
as if the repetition could evade redundancy and evoke epiphany.
The things I would say if I didn't know it would be followed by silence
If I didn't know how much you're willing to leave unspoken.
Oh the words I would be liberating if I could just open my mouth;
how much my eyes would say if I were strong enough to meet your gaze.
Oh the things you've said that keep me from speaking.
And the things you say that give me hope.
Oh the thing I would say, if you would just say it first.

Thoughts Free Flowing.

I don't like songs that are titled with a girl's name. I love how relieving it is to sneeze. Mumford and Sons tickles my eardrums. It doesn't feel like Christmastime. French horns make the most beautiful sounds. Eloquence is my favorite word, but I can never find the words to explain why. This song makes me think of you. I wish it would snow. I wish everybody really liked themselves. I don't understand why eyes are basically only brown, green, or blue. God branded me with a birthmark in the place that tramp stamps normally call home. I've always wanted to be left handed, and I've always wanted glasses. I secretly kind of want to be famous someday. I don't feel like I am doing anything with my life, which makes me feel bad for loving it so much. What would happen if everybody smiled at strangers? What would happen if everyone meant it when they said 'I love you'? I'm pretty sure you can never love your mom too much. I like to chew on things. I feel guilty for not watching the sunrise more often. I've been looking forward to this song since I clicked shuffle. Tomorrow's going to be great.

Love is Like a Natural Disaster.

You are about to read a piece of my poetry. This is a rare occasion as I have never shown anyone my poetry, much less the millions of people who read my blog (those figures may be a bit off). So here it goes. I must confess to you my vulnerability in doing this and plead with you not to stop reading my blog even if you think my poem is stupid. Thanks.


Also, just a disclaimer: I plan on never posting a poem that directly reflects my current struggles in life. So, there is no need for you to try to sympathize or attempt to figure out what event in my life a particular poem stems from. Any poetry I share with you will not be to express my feelings but rather to share my stab at art.

Untitled
There were no more roses,

There were no more smiles.

And there was certainly no more laughter.

All the butterflies had gone

And the birds no longer sang.

The sun neither rose nor set,

painting the sky in shades of pink.

There was no more pink.

There was no more light.

No flowers remained

No sky. Just rain.

And the claims that any man has ever made

That he wouldn’t leave us broken and

jaded.

The words “I love you” melted into tears

to be absorbed by tissue and thrown away.

Feelings that refused to fade

Fueling the pain that feeds the stress.

Hopeless.

Helpless.

That's how it felt.

But that is not how it feels.

An earthquake may shake a city, but the buildings still stand.

You were an earthquake.

I am a city.
But the fault was always on you.

And now the rubble has cleared and I can see beauty again.


Have a delightful week.


3 days until Harry Potter!!! 

God.

First of all, let me just say that this picture doesn't even begin to do justice to the amazing sunset I watched tonight. 


The view from my church is one of the best views in town, often used as a make-out hot spot, and I accidentally found myself there tonight. For some reason I pulled out in the wrong direction from my parking spot so I just decided to go the other way around the church. I saw the pink sky and I whipped into a spot before I had even decided that's what I wanted to do.


This was one of those weeks that I knew would be rough so I started out with Wonder Woman strength but by the end of the week my muscles had deflated and I was emotionally drained. Man, I saw that sun setting over the city and I broke down. I do not mean to say this for pity. In fact, if I were to ever do that please leave explicit comments on the post as ramifications for my bad taste. No, I am not seeking pity because I'm talking about the good kind of break down. I generally reserve my tears for the shower or car rides exceeding 20 minutes... just how I roll. Every so often, though, a really solid cry leaves me feeling renewed.


When I saw this most glorious sight I was just like, badang God is good. On top of that, I was listening to Colin Hay- a fav of mine, and the song was Waiting for My Real Life to Begin. Now, half of me really loves this song because I feel like I am doing just that, but I also feel like I should be taking action so as not to feel that way, so I am faced with this dichotomy. 


You should also know that I am a quirky (some might say weird) person and therefore, do quirky (weird) things. One of these is that sometimes in love songs I pretend God is singing. Some might think that's touching, some might think it's stupid, but really I just do it because it's usually kind of funny or really bizarre. So for some reason I just kind of did that for this song and it was actually beautifully soothing.


"...be still my love  
Open up your heart, let the light shine in  
Don't you understand  
I already have a plan"

I know that is not how the song is meant to be interpreted, but it just made me feel really good.

Sorry for the lack of eloquence in this post. I hope you still enjoyed it.

Unconventional Advice.

Below I have listed 12 pieces of original advice that I personally believe will change your life.

1. Stop wearing underwear. Trust me, it will set you free.
2. Take longer showers. What's the rush? Enjoy a few minutes at the end of each shower of simply standing there letting the hot water massage your back. Relax and get yourself mentally prepared to have a great day.
3. Floss. Not everyday, because then it's not as satisfying when you do. If you wait a little bit between each floss, you can see the results of your hard work better.
4. Talk to strangers. I mean more than just a friendly "hello." Make people feel good by caring about how they are or complimenting them. Make eye contact. Smile!
5. Censor your daydreams. Fantasize about your possibilities, about the great things you can do. Invest in daydreams that leave you feeling inspired and motivated to be great. Avoid spending time thinking about things you can't change, about the way you want things to be; when you come back to life you'll be sad.
6. Climb trees as often as possible. And look down even if you're scared.
7. Don't wish time away. Live in the now. You can still be eager for things to come, but instead of sustaining a mindset of "I wish it were Friday," look for something to make today enjoyable. What's the point in not making the most of every day?
8. Tell people how you feel.
9. Only wear shoes when necessary. In other words while walking on hot coals, snow, or glass. (Or, of course, when the shoes complete your outfit.)
10. Exercise your creativity. It doesn't matter how.
11. Don't complain. Just don't. Few things in the world are more pointless than complaining. Crocs, for example.
12. Remind yourself of why you're awesome. Because you are. And it is a lot harder for people to notice if you haven't even convinced yourself.


#4 is dedicated to Alexis Renee Martin for living that way each day and spreading that lifestyle to me.

Roadkill.

Up until about two weeks ago, there was a brown converse sitting in the middle of Holmes Road just north of 85th street. It was there for a solid month or so. I passed it to and from school every day. The month in which that shoe resided between the yellow lines of northbound and southbound was not a particularly good month for me. On more occasions than I'd like to admit, I would be approaching 85th looking through the blurred vision of tear-filled eyes, in no mood to smile. Now folks, I am not exaggerating when I tell you that every time I saw that Chuck Taylor looking at me I could not keep from smiling. Every single day, without fail. See the shoe. Bing! Smile. End of story.

Some days I would be halfway home and remember it and look forward to seeing it for the rest of the drive. Other days I would be so preoccupied with my spinning head that I would totally forget about it until there it was and I was oddly instantly uplifted.

I will never be able to explain what about that shoe made me so happy. Perhaps it was the consistency or just the sheer bizarreness, but the day I noticed it was no longer there I felt like crying. There were so many things left unanswered: how did it get there? to whom did it belong? what size was it? is it a left shoe or a right shoe? But the real mystery is where did it go? It went a month without budging and then suddenly it vanished.

I miss that shoe, man. Now there is a dead raccoon (unrelated to the missing shoe) in almost the same spot, which evokes the entirely opposite emotion in me.

Moral of the story: look both ways before crossing the street.

Making Metaphors out of Molehills.

Have you ever gotten on an elevator and forgotten to push any buttons? And you don't really know how much time has passed before you realize you're not going anywhere unless you press a button.

I was standing in an elevator today and it hit me how clearly that parallels with life. I mean, you can stand in that elevator for as long as you please, but you will never reach the floor you want until you do something. All the while, life will keep going on around you.

Time doesn't stop.

So, until you make a decision to move, you're just going to stay right where you are- and then what good are you doing?

My life elevator doesn't have floors.

I refuse to let my life be defined by the ascension on a staircase of social norms we think lead to happiness. It's not like floor one- finish college; floor two- get married. And besides, I've always been an it's-about-the-journey-not-the-destination kind o' gal.

I just know that it's about time I press some kind of metaphorical button on my elevator of life and start doing something with this life.

The Thoughts I Think.

Tonight is one of those rare occasions in which I know when I finally lay myself down to sleep, that I have no need to wake up until I have satiated myself with slumber. It is nights like these that I exercise my power to stay awake for as long as possible and wait till the dim twilight of my mind, between fully awake and fully asleep, to start typing out the thoughts I think.

I try so hard to make art out of all my thoughts that sometimes when I reach a creative plateau I just stop thinking those thoughts altogether out of desperate frustration. And then there are the times when I avoid thinking the thoughts that keep me thinking because it is easier not to. Or the thoughts that keep me hurting but those thoughts are so hard to stop. Then, every so often I indulge myself with the musings that can only ever be thought and not lived. And I linger in that world of wishes for as long as I can before returning to what's real. I think we think about reality less than a lot of other thinkings. If you really think about it, thoughts about reality are a bit redundant. Reality is what is. Right now.

We don't need to think "I am breathing," we just are, and that is reality. Even when we sit and toil with the situations we would have longed to avoid, it is not the facts that we consider but the questions. That's not reality, that's inquisition. When we do repetitiously replay the reality of this life in our minds, we are no longer thinking, but dwelling. And despite the sincerity with which we declare to ourselves "I am going to have a great day," this is still not reality, rather it is hope. The hope that that hope will become reality.

I like to think of our thoughts as a solar system- with a gravitational pull as strong as that of the sun, bringing us back to those notions we can't shake. The thoughts we are drawn to the most but need more than anything not to think about because if we stare into those thoughts for too long we will go blind. Thinking about what you want doesn't make it appear just like thinking about what you're afraid to lose doesn't take it away.

Thoughts should be used for good. Like "what can I do to make today count?" Our thoughts should move us forward, not glue our feet to the floor of now, and certainly not drag us into the realm of what was or what wasn't because neither of those matter to Tomorrow who just wants us to appreciate him for all he's worth.

Such Great Heights.

Sometimes you just need to drive around for a long time with no destination, or even direction, and play some mellow music that makes you feel like you're in a scene from a movie, praying that a happy ending can actually happen off screen too.

And sometimes nothing feels better than to sit on the stairs in your backyard and look at the stars without thinking about anything except how far they go.

There are times when you just need to sleep. And times when you need to say everything you are feeling to somebody who really cares.

Sometimes you need to write.

And sometimes you need to delete everything you wrote because it's crap but at least writing it made you feel better.

And no matter if you're doing any or none of these things: don't, even for one second, ever forget to love yourself.

My new fascination.

Poetry.

I am obsessed. I've started writing it, reading it, listening to it. Everything. I don't know how I have been overlooking this most amazing form of art for the last all of my life.

Last year, almost exactly a year ago in fact, my buddies and I went to a poetry slam in Chicago. The whole weekend was a blast but it was those few hours of poetry that really blew me away. It was something I had never experienced before and I remember just loving it.

Somehow though, I put that night into a box and tucked it away until recently. Nothing embarrassing happened or anything, I didn't mean to never think about it. I just forgot. Until like 3 days ago and I started googling poetry like nobody's business.

I've been digging all of Buddy Wakefield's stuff (he was the main guy we went to see in Chicago)as well as other performers in the Elephant Engine High Dive Revival- the tour they were on. They came through Wichita on Wednesday and I was this close to going. Only one of the three dudes I went to Chicago with was willing to drive to Kansas from Columbia (or St. Louis). Bummer.

But anyway, that has been much of my life lately. Also, it's fall which blows my mind. I have been absolutely giddy with excitement about this change in weather. I told my friend Daniel the other day that I am "high on fall." And it feels good, man.

I think I will start posting some of my poetry on here. maybe. We'll see. But that is all for now, have a delightful weekend!

oops.

Well, well, well. It certainly has been a while...

my bad.

MUCH has happened since I last updated this ol thing.
a. I traveled to Italy- it was amazing. I ate, drank, and sang. You know, all the things you should do in Italy.
b. I traveled to Nashville, Oklahoma City, and Panama City Beach- these were all for the internship with my church. And these were also, all very wonderful experiences.
c. My love life has changed, but I won't get into that now.
d. I have a new best friend. He is wonderful. And I'm not talking about a dog. Did it kind of sound like I was talking about a dog?
e. I am officially living in 'da hood' of South Kansas City with one of my besties, Alexis, and attending UMKC. Our apartment is quite adorable despite the location. I realized the "firework" I heard the other night probably wasn't a firework at all...
f. I'm really really happy. Not that that is something that has happened recently. It's ongoing. I just wanted to throw that in there.

So that's what's going on in la vida de Allyson. I know this post has been pretty bland. In fact, I just realized it's about as boring as the first day of school when you have to introduce yourself and say a bunch of random facts (did I mention yellow is my favorite color?). Anyway, sorry guys, I promise to make the rest of the posts much spicier. and more frequent.

I hope today has been lovely for you.

The Sunrise Gets Me High.

so it turns out being deathly sick for 5 days results in the ability to stay awake foreverrrrrrrrrr. I'm finally feeling better and am loaded with energy. With the exception of class, a doctor's appointment, and working at state music contest, I have essentially been asleep since Friday night. If not asleep, then lying rather vegetable-like in my bed loathing the fact that my perfect immune system has been weakened and my body infiltrated with a virus.

then I subbed my breathe better meds for sleep better meds for a night and now I can't breathe again. cool.

I decided to stay up all night tonight to get stuff done. Turns out all I have really accomplished is that which I needed to have done for today anyway. But now I will have plenty of time to look as sexy as possible for my last day of class. Mizzou's finna know what they missin out on... says internal black Allyson.

Plus, Alexis and I are making pancakes in the morning which is a rarity. Not the making pancakes part but the in the morning part. Normally we save pancakes for brinner, which we used to make on a weekly (sometimes even semi-weekly) basis.

I love STILL being awake while a good portion of the rest of the country (or at least of the midwest) is beginning to wake up, or at least taking those first swats at their alarm clock. It makes me feel weird. But the good kind of weird.

ya know?

Something about staying all night gives me this feeling of invincibility (anybody else feel like this word has waaay to many 'i's?). I feel inexplicably happy and eager to see what the day has to offer. I must confess that I wish I started everyday like that but truth be told, I probably begin most days with grogginess.

But where does grogginess get us? While in the state of grogginess what is it that we want? To sleep. And do we get to sleep? No. Sooo, why waste time wishing you were in bed when you could be embracing the day. You have to be awake, right? so seize the day.

The sky is getting lighter. My last day of class at the University of Missouri is officially commencing. In 3 hours I have a french exam and in 9 I will be on a bus coming home from my last day of class.

I have a bad case of crusty-nose...

among other things including:

-an ear infection

-a pretty intense cold

-afore mentioned costochondritis

Life has been rough-ish lately. Not just the physical maladies, I could handle those. It's the added stress of finishing school, transferring schools, being in a long distance relationship, uncertainties of the future. All of those things are beautiful in their own way but they can do a number on you.

I just found out I will be working at my church again this summer. This is very good news and definitely helps alleviate a lot of my current stress. I get to work a lot in the missions field which is where I'm passionate so that is awesome. Not to mention a free trip to Florida for an amazing worship/spiritual growth experience. I need to get my beach bod back in check. Italy is probably not going to help with that... oh well.

There are crumbs in my bed. One of my very least favorite things in the world is sitting on crumbs.

Okay, that's enough complaining for one blog post. I apologize for there being very little worth actually reading in this post. I'll be better next time.

The yellow wing darter is my favorite dragonfly.

I am so ready for the semester to be over. Not so ready to deal with finals, but they shouldn't be so bad. Then home for 2 days. A day in STL with my boo, Alexis, and then Italy for two weeks!! So excitedddd.

I've never been to Europe but have always wanted to visit. I kind of expected my first trip to be either to Spain or France, as I am studying the language/culture of both, but I have no complaints about going to Italy. Excuse me, not just going. Singing in Italy. Singing beautiful rich music to reflect the life of Leonardo Da Vinci. It is going to be an amazing experience. I will surely post pictures.

So for the last two/three weeks I have gotten less sleep than ever before in my life. I spent an entire week staying up til at least 4am, never fully recovered, then pulled an all-nighter at the beginning of last week. This weekend I have finally been able to catch up on sleep and have time to myself and it has been GLORIOUS. Words cannot express.

A lot of people wouldn't enjoy this much time to themselves to do nothing. And it's not that I don't love people, I do. My passion is to love people. But these last two nights have been so relaxing... and informative. I've been on this researching-things-for-fun kick. Last night it was dragonflies and tonight I memorized the list of Presidents. Super geeky, I know. But I don't care. I am enjoying myself.

Oh! p.s. I have costochondritis. Or something with similar letters to that. Basically the muscles around my ribs are inflamed preventing the ribs from fully expanding when I inhale. Thus, I constantly feel like I can't get enough air. I'm taking these pills every 8 hours and they help.

p.p.s. Popcorn + M&Ms = best combination of all time. just sayin

I worry that I think about Harry Potter too much.

I’m much too new at this whole blogging thing to be this bad at updating. The funny thing is that I don’t wait until I have enough time to blog. On a normal day I probably have a good anywhere from 3-5 hours perfect for blogging. When I have free time though, I just always find something else to do. It’s when I really need to get something important done that I suddenly find myself blogging as a distraction. Distractions can be healthy. At least I think so.

I’m reading Blue Like Jazz right now. I feel like if I want to fit in with all the trendy Christians I need to be able to quote Donald Miller at a moment’s notice. No, that’s not really why. I just thought it seemed like a good book to read. And thus far ol Don hasn’t proved me wrong. I feel like on days where I use a good portion of my allotted brain power reading this book, I tend to make quirky analogies about God and life just like Donald Miller. Only not at all like Donald Miller because nobody would pay to read them. I also have a tendency to think up (what I am just certain at the time are) great profundities as I am sleeping. In moments like these I rush to jot down my thoughts so as to ponder them at a later time. The most recent of these being:

“Do you think God laughs with us or do you think he’s kind of like Dumbledore? Like, he’ll smile down at you if you make a joke but won’t really chime in.”

I’m not sure what I said to God before that to make me wonder whether or not he laughed. I’m also not sure if it is at all sac-religious to compare God to Dumbledore, but I did it anyway. Of all the characters in all the books ever written, I would say that Dumbledore is hands down the most comparable to God. Except maybe Aslan. Or Jesus…

Enough of that.

So spring break came and went much too quickly and now the days drag on. Sometimes I really hate how time flies and I especially hate to entertain the idea that it will only go by more quickly as I get older. I recognize this as a truth, it is only logical. As we get older each year becomes a smaller fraction or our entire life. When we’re 4, a year is a quarter of our life. At 40 well, it’s a lot less.

I just think time is so fascinating, but at the same time it makes my head spin. I think the best thing to do is to just live in each moment and milk it for all its worth.

Goodnight.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

I really need to work updating this into my regular schedule. Who am I kidding? I have no regular schedule.

First of all, praise the good Lord it is 47 degrees out. Now, I really do try not to complain about things but the cold was becoming just a little much to bear. I am immensely grateful to be able to experience 4 beautiful seasons, but winter may have overstayed its welcome this year. Not so much that even, perhaps it was just its (his, her? what gender do you think winter would be?) sheer intensity that left us desperately awaiting spring.

I have always said that fall is my favorite season and as much as I do love the autumn air and the changing leaves, I am beginning to think that it is the transition from each season to the next that I love more than anything else. I love the anticipation. I love that there is something to look forward to about each season. I love the mere break from the monotony of whatever season we are currently in that I am inevitably bored of. And I love the wardrobe change. There is nothing like busting out your sun dresses and sandals or unpacking your favorite sweaters.

We are starting to get into that period of mother nature's identity crisis. It's not quite spring but winter is certainly (cross your fingers) on her (I think winter would be a big powerful woman) way out. However, everyone is so excited about a temperature increase of a few degrees that they are already running wild in their booty shorts and flip flops. I appreciate their enthusiasm but I think they might be a little premature. After all, it still has yet to hit 50. But hey, who am I to judge?

As for me, I will continue sporting my unbuttoned coat as I love to do during said transitional periods. I find it provides just the right amount of warmth and breeze (not to mention liberating my chic sense of style from the bondage of my pea-coat which it has so long been under). I have also broken out my flats and what a joyous occasion that has been.

Lastly, I have had poor Theodore, my bike, U-locked to my porch for a good 2-3 months and I think it is finally time for him to journey back to campus. Although the distance between all my courses is too small for ole Theo to be of actual transportational (not a word) use, I cannot wait to just ride it around campus.

The moral of this post, intended to be about my love for the great outdoors and life's various seasons, has turned into fashion word vomit. My apologies. I hope you are all enjoying this beautiful sunshine wherever you may be.

Finally...

Sorry (to all 3 of you who read this) for taking so long to update.

The only reason I'm even updating now is to distract myself from studying. That's a good enough reason, right?

I went home last weekend to visit family that I haven't seen in years and it was so good. It was brief, but I enjoyed it. We began cleaning out my grandma (Memaw)'s house. I found some pretty sweet things including this super retro camera. It's beautiful, looks much cooler in person.

I've begun to seriously consider UMKC for school next year. I think it would be really great to be close to some of the most important people in my life. Not to mention paying a fraction of the price. And of course, living in the heart of Kansas City. My roommate, Alexis, and I will be braving the mega bus next weekend to come home and check it out.

These last several months I've kind of taken on the motto of never wishing time away. It's hard because I tend to get super excited about things in the future and yearn for them to come so much that I lose sight of the now. I just want to push through it to the part I'm looking forward to. That's not right though. I don't want to just get through life waiting for the next exciting thing to happen. Everyday has something amazing to offer if you just look for it. I'm all about being progressive and moving forward but not at the cost of losing today.

What's the point of living each day just waiting for tomorrow?

I've recently become obsessed with this Australian singer/songwriter Kate Miller-Heidke. She opened for Ben Folds when I saw him in September and she was unbelievable. She has a beautifully unique voice and can also sing opera which she incorporates into a lot of her songs. She's really funky which I love. Anyway, she has these lyrics which go:

If we could save time, where would we keep it?
If we could keep time, when could we use it?
If we waste time, will it waste us

Are we too much like time, impossible to define?

I just really like that. And her. Check her out on Itunes but I must warn you, her stuff is a little eccentric. She is extremely talented though, I assure you. Also, being from Australia automatically makes her awesome. I'm dying to go there.

My other new(ish) motto can be found in the URL for this page: find the beauty in life. I know that sounds a little corny but I don't mean for it to be. I'm not talking about seeing beauty in the already beautiful things like roses and sunsets. I am talking about looking past the negative and trying to find something beautiful. It makes life so much more enjoyable. I keep becoming more and more aware of how completely useless it is to complain. Cursing the cold weather doesn't make it warmer, but how amazing is the intricacy of a snowflake? We are so quick to focus on the negative but that gets us nowhere. Not to mention how ugly it makes us. I've been observing people's faces walking to class and it is pretty easy to point out the negative from the positive. I LOVE seeing happy strangers who smile back. love it.

Okay, I should really get back to my studies so I can go to sleep soon. I have fallen a little bit ill which is rare for me, not that I'm complaining...

Thanks for reading. I hope a fabulous weekend is in store for you.

Cold Sunlight is Better Than No Sunlight.

I'm lacking profundity today so I think I'll go with bullets:

a. My room is unbearably cold right now. The rest of the apartment is fine while my room is like the frozen tundra. sheesh.

b. I just want to point out how wonderful it was to see the sun this weekend. I love waking up to the sunlight seeping into my room even though I know it's still cold outside. I'm obsessed with sunshine.

c. Thanks to bullet b, as the sun was going down yesterday the sky was an array of blue shades. The specific shade that was taking up most of the sky around 6 was the most gorgeous color. I couldn't stop staring at it.

d. I fell asleep in my class today for the first time this semester. whoops.

e. I also walked on water today so I think that should cover for my academic delinquency. Yes?

I think so.
f. My best friend Courtney is in Chile right now and let me borrow her keyboard while she is gone. I practiced piano for a few hours today and even though I'm rusty and it takes me longer than it should to learn things, it's really nice to play again.

h. LOST starts back up tomorrow and I can hardly contain my excitement... even though after watching every episode last season I still have no idea what's going on. Just part of the beauty of the show.

That's all for now. It's almost 4 am and I should be asleep. Happy February, everyone.

La Vie Célibataire.

Upon checking my email just now I noticed one from eHarmony, the subject reading "Find other singles like you." ...ahem. That is rather presumptuous of you, eHarmony. Just what makes you think I'm so single? And even if I am, which would be none of your business, what makes you think I would be so desperate to use you (not that everyone who uses eHarmony is desperate)? I'm not mad. It doesn't offend me or do irreparable damage of any sort. I just thought it was kind of funny. And ridiculous.

I didn't necessarily plan for that to lead me into a deeper topic but it got me thinking about how incredibly frightened we are of being single. It really makes me sad and a little worried. Are we so co-dependent that we simply must have someone else in our lives to feel whole? I fully understand how great it is to be in love. I get why that is something that people wish for. This doesn't have to mean, however, that anything less than that is meaningless. I worry that people don't value themselves enough to be happy even when alone. I wish they would.

To end on a lighter note: the sun was shining so brightly today I could almost swear it was spring. I am so so so eager for spring. It's such a beautiful time of year. But I've really been trying not to wish time away. There may be something great off in the distance but I don't want to lose sight of what today has to offer... you know? But I am quite excited for spring.

I Owe It All To Purple Hair.

I saw a girl with the most beautiful purple hair the other day. It was a subtle purple, a concept I had no prior knowledge of as I often find purple to be obnoxious. Not her's though. It was as if God had designed her with purple hair or something. It blew me away... and that is when I decided I wanted to start a blog.

I already have so many things I want to post on here. I think it is entirely possible that I have more thoughts than the average person. By saying that, I do not mean to imply that I am a deeply philosophical person. I simply draw this conclusion from the amount of time my brain spends away from what it should really be focusing on. I don't want to post too much now because then you won't read it. Will you? I don't believe you.

I'm almost done, I promise. Just one little story:
Today, as I was doing the dance we are all so familiar with: shuffle-down-the-aisle-of-your-giant-lecture-hall, I came across a rather largely unaccompanied region in the middle of the auditorium. There was this one seat with the desk already swiveled into place and I thought to myself "Yes. This is where I should sit." It was just so inviting, like it was waiting for me. You might find it silly but... that's why it's my blog and not yours.

Thanks for reading and have a beautiful day.