The theme of my thoughts the last few weeks has been centered on the idea of freedom and potential. I've been spending a ton of time lately reflecting on my actions, both now and over the last year. In a humbling and rather raw awakening, I realized that I had very minimal personal growth between this time last summer and just a few weeks ago. I look back and I feel as though I was living in the bondage of my desires, trapped by my vision of what I wanted life to be and consumed by the frustration that my reality and my fantasy didn't align. Instead of spending time working on myself, I spent time dwelling on what wasn't, and praying for change in others when I had so much room for improvement myself. This post is in no way meant to whine about not having a good year. I had a fine year; plenty of good things happened. Rather, I am pointing out the fact that I let the last year go by without taking the time to come out of it better than when I went in. For that I apologize. To everyone who noticed, to everyone who didn't notice but was still affected by it, to everything I half-assed, and on behalf of all the opportunities I forfeited: I am sorry.
Here's the thing, though. We can't live in regret. I may have let several months slip by me, but I can't have them back so all I can do is move forward. I can't be my best yesterday, I can only be my best today. I have had several changes of heart in the last few weeks. Issues I was unaware that I was living with have surfaced, and I am working on scrubbing myself clean of them. I see the real me peaking through, and though not quite fully visible, I have the sincerest faith that I will soon shine again.
I feel free. I feel like I have finally removed the padlock from the cage that I put myself in, and I have the freedom to be happy regardless of what happens. I've been reminded that my joy is not some dependent variable in my life, determined only by the value of other people or how much they value me. And I believe that my absorption of these truths will be reflected in my actions. As of yet, I have still relapsed a few times, and found myself reacting irrationally to matters that hold little to no importance. However, I think after a weekend away from visual reminders of who I was over the last year, I might finally receive a beautiful replenishment and the opportunity for genuine change.
So here is to new beginnings!
to remembering that you are great and believing in your greatest potential.
to letting go of the past.
to letting go of (expectations for) the future.
to healing.
to self love.
and to all of the people who inspire me to be great.
And a particular shout out to the most wonderful couple I have ever met. Who welcomed me into their home the night before their anniversary, and, coincidentally, the night before one of them left the country for two weeks. Who have exemplified love in every part of their lives. Who bought me sushi, blew up an air mattress for me, and provided me a weekend away when I needed it most. To two of the greatest people I know, Andrew and Sarah Beard, happy anniversary and thank you for teaching us what it is to love by loving each other. Also, thanks for the gummy worms on my bed.
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