I think this is peace.

There's that moment when the rain lets up just enough that I can hear my music again- beautiful and lyric-less- and suddenly I am strangely aware that there are lights on inside and I honestly feel like I could be doing anything in this moment and still be happy. I am living in that moment right now, and I am striving to make all my moments as content as this. I feel like I have been gradually inching toward the door for months, and a few days ago I finally set myself free. And it turns out all along I was just waiting for the key to a door that has always been unlocked. Now I live on the outside of the things that used to cause me pain, and I tell you what, there's more to see out here. I feel the effects of truly being free by the fact that every time I cry, it's only because I'm happy. I am moved to tears by things that I find beautiful, not by the bittersweet pain of believing in something that doesn't exist, wanting something I can't have- something that was once so good but has since turned bad and long before I decided that the bitter far outweighed the sweet. This was my downfall: a grip too strong on all the wrong things, an inability to forgive. But at the end of the day, it is still a choice just to live, and to live is not the same as to breathe.

Perspective.

Here is the story of my life over the past week and a half. It has a happy ending and a moral, so don't give up on it too quickly.

It goes like this: school, work, homework, church, sleep. To be specific: 15 hours worth of English classes. Only. English. Classes. 30 hour work weeks with shifts beginning at 4:30 or 6 AM. Several hours of reading every night. Church groups 4 nights a week. And I was just kidding about sleep. It's not really a character in this story.

But the worst thing about the last week and a half is that I let the above paragraph make me whiny, grumpy, self-pitying, and downright negative. Whenever I talked I was annoying even myself, but I just kept complaining and drawing everyone's attention to all the things I had going on. I even began letting myself believe that I was simply going to be miserable most of the semester. 

As I was driving home from an event Tuesday night I had an epiphany: 

I don't want to live my life waiting for the day to end.

I'm always telling other people not to wish time away, to make the most out of everyday, and to learn to love the things in life that we can't change. Yet, I let all of those core values that I claim to cling to slip far from my mind. I've been doing so much changing over the last month or two, but I almost let some of that get unraveled- and for what?

The thing is, there's no point to it. Complaining, negativity- it has no benefit for anyone. It's just foolish to choose not to be happy. And I do think, to some extent, it's a choice we make. I know that life isn't always going to be good. I'm not an idiot. But I genuinely believe in the power of positive thinking, and I don't think that our happiness is as directly linked to what happens in our lives as much as it is to how we handle it and to what extent we let it shape us. Life's beauty is really just a matter of our perception. The right perspective is like capturing a picture with the right light- it doesn't change what's actually there, but it makes the way we see it more beautiful.

So, the moral of the story is: think good thoughts. It's so simple. You've heard it all your life. But sadly, we have this innate tendency to gravitate toward negativity. I don't think we have to choose to be negative, and a lot of times we aren't completely aware we're doing it. But when we constantly make a choice throughout the day to cleanse our thoughts of that negativity, life is completely different. Try it. As you go through your day tomorrow, guide your thoughts in a positive direction. Look for the good in people, and find reasons to enjoy everything that you do.

My current positive thoughts:
Autumn is approaching and it is the best time of year. I have a job. And at that job I get to interact with people in a friendly and genuine way. I can run 7 miles without stopping, and 2 months ago I could barely run 1. I am creative, and have the means by which to express that creativity. I have the best people in my life. My wounds from the last year are healing into scars that almost don't hurt anymore and they remind me of how strong I am. I am feeling confident, empowered, independent, and valuable. I am inspired by so many people and things and I know that I can inspire others. I can take 15 hours, work 30 hours, run 20 miles, read 300 pages, spend 3 nights at church, and maintain a social life all in one week. And when I say 'can,' I really mean 'get to,' because Lord knows every single one of those things is a privilege and I intend to treat it that way.

Day 456

In 2009, an exquisite movie came out. Far from the typical love story depicting myths about love and happily ever afters, 500 Days of Summer is a quirky, delightful, and refreshingly accurate representation of  relationships. (Also, it has one of the greatest people in the world in it: Zooey Deschanel.) If you haven't seen it, I urge you to. The movie basically goes through the 500 days that a girl named Summer is in the life of a guy named Tom. Before each scene, a number is flashed on the screen to indicate how far along we are in Tom's journey.

I promise this post will be more than a synopsis of the movie. But for the sake of my main point, it is essential that I describe a few key scenes. After several months of dating, Summer tells Tom that she doesn't think they should see each other anymore- and so begins Toms's spiral into a brokenhearted depression. Eventually Tom learns that Summer is engaged to someone else and for the following couple of days Tom doesn't even get out of bed, and when he finally does, it's just to buy Twinkies and whiskey.

THEN...

We come to Day 456. Sweet, sweet day 456. On this day, Tom decides to stop rolling around in his own grief and do something with his life. He starts pursuing his dream and begins to turn his life around.

Whether it is a broken relationship, an injury, a layoff, or something else, we all reach a point in our lives when things stop going the way we want them to. What we desire and what is reality become such distant concepts that it is hard to see beyond them into the realm of the good that can come out of it. More often than we would like, things don't turn out the way we had hoped they would. But the thing is, this doesn't always mean that they didn't turn out right. What we want and what is actually best for us do not always match up. And sometimes what we want would have been great but it just didn't work out that way, and either way, we owe it to ourselves to get out of bed decide to let life get better. Misfortune is unavoidable. Accidents can happen, disaster may strike, and people (both the good and the bad) will hurt you whether they wanted to or not. These are things we cannot control. But what we can control is what we do about it. We can stay in bed all day, literally or figuratively. We can choose not to forgive and stay hurt. Or we can do something.


I say we do something. Be in control of your happiness. Stop thinking about your burden and free yourself from that sadness and from that anger. Lately I have been claiming Philippians 4:8 as my motto:
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things

I feel like in the last few weeks I have finally reached my day 456 moment and I want to extend some advice to you:
-Stop thinking about how you wish things were and decide what you can do to make your life great. Then go do it.
-Think about your specific talents. Are you using them? If you're not, then you should start. Find a way to express yourself in a way that is unique to you.
-Get active. Physical health has more of an effect on emotional/mental health than many of us take into account.
-If you like to sleep in, try waking up earlier and doing something productive. And whenever you do wake up, convince yourself that it is going to be a great day.
-Pick up a new hobby, or pick back up a hobby you have been neglecting.
-Above everything else, you have to make a conscious effort to stop living in the misery you have become accustomed to. Although that sounds obvious, it's hard to let go of certain hopes and expectations we hold onto even when we know that clinging to them is destroying us. You must make the decision to have a better life before it can ever become a reality.

I know I say this in nearly all of my posts, but never stop reminding yourself that you are awesome. If anyone has led you to believe otherwise, then shame on them and forget everything they said. You deserve to have a great life that you love. Believe that, and then make it happen.

Dust.

It's been a long time since I really walked on water.

²⁵ Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. ²⁶ When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

²⁷ But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

²⁸ “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

²⁹ “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Matthew 14:25-29

It's never really been a lack of faith in who Jesus is that has caused me to sink. It's my inability to trust that even though people aren't always good, God is good. For some time now, every time I hear that word "come," I start out steady then see the winds of "what if this person doesn't come through?" or "what if things are too messed up to be fixed?" or "I don't know if I can change, or if I can let go" and I take my eyes off of the promise for good things and feel my ankles get wet.

So, to anyone who feels like they can relate, and to myself I say these wise and true words:
God makes beautiful things out of the dust.


Perhaps you have heard those words before, most likely in the form of Gungor lyrics. But I have been giving them some deeper thought over the last few days. I don't mean to speak for you, but I would imagine that most people take this song to mean that God can make beauty from nothing, and God can make beauty out of us. This is absolutely true, but I think it goes deeper.

I've just been thinking about dust a lot. Yes, God can make beauty out of the simplest thing like a piece of dust. But I think we lose faith in the fact that God can make something beautiful out of the dust and debris of our disasters. The particles that float through the air after everything has finally just exploded, I believe that God can make beautiful things out of that too. In certain situations in my life, I am terrified that there's been too much ugly for anything beautiful to blossom again; like we've uprooted all that was once so good, and those thirsty roots have nothing from which to grow. This I no longer feel to be true. I believe that God can make something new and wonderful out of the wreckage of our catastrophes. Sometimes what grows isn't what we would have expected. But maybe we ought to be expecting daisies instead of roses. Or maybe we just shouldn't hold on to some kind of expectation. Maybe we should simply let ourselves believe that something good can really grow, let go of the ugly, and just work on being whole.

So here's to faith!
to dry ankles.
to letting go of things that keep us from being beautiful.
to daisies.
and to the promise of restoring our beauty.

You are beautiful!

A Different Kind of Freedom.

The theme of my thoughts the last few weeks has been centered on the idea of freedom and potential. I've been spending a ton of time lately reflecting on my actions, both now and over the last year. In a humbling and rather raw awakening, I realized that I had very minimal personal growth between this time last summer and just a few weeks ago. I look back and I feel as though I was living in the bondage of my desires, trapped by my vision of what I wanted life to be and consumed by the frustration that my reality and my fantasy didn't align. Instead of spending time working on myself, I spent time dwelling on what wasn't, and praying for change in others when I had so much room for improvement myself. This post is in no way meant to whine about not having a good year. I had a fine year; plenty of good things happened. Rather, I am pointing out the fact that I let the last year go by without taking the time to come out of it better than when I went in. For that I apologize. To everyone who noticed, to everyone who didn't notice but was still affected by it, to everything I half-assed, and on behalf of all the opportunities I forfeited: I am sorry.

Here's the thing, though. We can't live in regret. I may have let several months slip by me, but I can't have them back so all I can do is move forward. I can't be my best yesterday, I can only be my best today. I have had several changes of heart in the last few weeks. Issues I was unaware that I was living with have surfaced, and I am working on scrubbing myself clean of them. I see the real me peaking through, and though not quite fully visible, I have the sincerest faith that I will soon shine again.

I feel free. I feel like I have finally removed the padlock from the cage that I put myself in, and I have the freedom to be happy regardless of what happens. I've been reminded that my joy is not some dependent variable in my life, determined only by the value of other people or how much they value me. And I believe that my absorption of these truths will be reflected in my actions. As of yet, I have still relapsed a few times, and found myself reacting irrationally to matters that hold little to no importance. However, I think after a weekend away from visual reminders of who I was over the last year, I might finally receive a beautiful replenishment and the opportunity for genuine change.

So here is to new beginnings!
to remembering that you are great and believing in your greatest potential.
to letting go of the past.
to letting go of (expectations for) the future.
to healing.
to self love.
and to all of the people who inspire me to be great.
And a particular shout out to the most wonderful couple I have ever met. Who welcomed me into their home the night before their anniversary, and, coincidentally, the night before one of them left the country for two weeks. Who have exemplified love in every part of their lives. Who bought me sushi, blew up an air mattress for me, and provided me a weekend away when I needed it most. To two of the greatest people I know, Andrew and Sarah Beard, happy anniversary and thank you for teaching us what it is to love by loving each other. Also, thanks for the gummy worms on my bed.

Our lives are art.

I haven't posted in several months, but it isn't for lack of writing. I have been starting all kinds of stories and poems, and just free writing, but I can't seem to finish any of it. It's not to be attributed to writer's block, or a lack of inspiration. I think the problem is my distraction-ridden mind trying to make art of everything I do and see. The problem with that is that it already is. Our lives are art. What we do, how we do it, who we see and what we say. Some people speak in an eloquent poetry of their own, and others a special kind of prose, but all of it is art. Our lives are paintings and songs, novels and movies, all of which are unfinished. Not every day can be Mona Lisa's smile. Some days are nothing more than shading in the back drop. But that is life. Not every day is as beautiful as the last or the next, but they all work together to create this grand masterpiece that is your life. I've been thinking a lot lately about how we are created in God's image.  -So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.- Genesis 1:27. The first line in one of the poems I'm writing reads: "If we're made in God's image, aren't we born to be great?" Who are we to put ourselves down? To not appreciate what works of art we are is, in a way, insulting to the artist. I just want everyone to love themselves. That is my hope: for everyone to love themselves, and in turn love their neighbor as themselves. Love God and love others, yes. But you can't forget to love yourself among those things. You are great, and your life is art. Make it beautiful.

Vincent.

Today I met a man named Vincent. I passed him without eye contact on my way into the Barnes & Noble on the plaza, but I knew I would talk to him on my way out. I think the majority of conversations between the homeless and the "homed" happen on the wrong end of spending. Everyone waits until they have made all of their purchases and can just get rid of their change. On the way in they "don't have anything to give," which really means they have much more than they're willing to give but they haven't broken it into smaller bills yet. I think also we avoid making eye contact on the way in for fear that it will birth expectations for the way out, or perhaps we feel awkward having two conversations with someone so we just wait. Or we simply ignore them all together. I have been guilty of committing each of these.

But today I met Vincent, and Vincent isn't actually homeless. I handed him my two dollars and offered him my two cents that he spend it on something good. He looked at me and said "now see, I'm a married man. I've got three kids and a place to live, but right now I find myself unemployed." He explained that he stood in that spot and collected money so he could feed his family.

He said "I've decided to ask for help instead of going and committing a crime so my family can eat." And I was overwhelmed by his humble honesty. Now, you cynical cynics out there may wag your finger at me and call me foolish for believing his story. But you did not shake this man's hand or see that his eyes held no trace of deceit.

Lately, I feel like everybody in my life has been telling everyone else not to have too much pride. I've always had a hard time understanding what it means to be prideful and how it's different than being proud. I think the words are actually synonymous, but in the right context they create a dichotomy that was always just beyond my comprehension. When we're little, everyone says "be proud of who you are." Our parents tell us how proud they are of us. We're encouraged to take pride in our school, our accomplishments, our heritage, and ourselves. And that all makes sense. As I got older I noticed that word, 'pride,' popping up among lists of sins and other flaws that people commonly carry with them, and I got confused.

I have this friend who has helped me understand what it means to have too much pride, and why it can be bad. He is one of my very best friends, but he rarely lets people help him, myself included. I will say to him, "Friend. You are going to be studying all night and I have studied that subject before. Let me help you" and he will not ask for my help. And I will say "Friend. You are cleaning your room while I sit here and watch. Let me help you." But still he doesn't ask. He will sling several heavy objects on his back, and only when I physically remove one will he allow me to carry something for him. This is not all the time, and it has even become a joke. I will ask him a question, and his polite declination is followed by "I have too much pride" with a wide smile.

I have this other friend who is sometimes bad at letting people in. She loves others with her huge and beautiful heart, but she can be blind to the abundant love people have for her. She is tough; she is one of the strongest people I know, and she does not like to be vulnerable. There has been devastation in her life and I hope she will forgive me for shedding light on that fact. She hates when people describe her past as hard, or say that so many things have "happened to her," but the truth is that she has faced tragedy in a more genuine form than most people in her life and certainly more than I have.

I've noticed that both of these individuals are slow to accept things given to them, even if it is simply a chicken sandwich or a cup of icecream. The reason I started sensing their pride was because I have this third friend and she is one of the ones who often says "you have too much pride." And she says it to them, and I believe her because she is one of the wisest people I know, and also because she says is it with the love that the rest of her words are also flavored with. She changed both of these people whom I love so much, and she changed me, and she is changing the world, and I miss her.

These three people helped me understand pride, and Vincent helped me understand humility.

Before I walked back to my car I put my hand on his shoulder and I said to him, "the Lord loves you very much and I want you to know that." He looked back at me and said "yes, He sure does. And you know that the Lord can do everything except one thing. Do you want to know what that one thing is?" And I said that I did.

"Fail. The Lord cannot fail." and I said "amen."