God.

First of all, let me just say that this picture doesn't even begin to do justice to the amazing sunset I watched tonight. 


The view from my church is one of the best views in town, often used as a make-out hot spot, and I accidentally found myself there tonight. For some reason I pulled out in the wrong direction from my parking spot so I just decided to go the other way around the church. I saw the pink sky and I whipped into a spot before I had even decided that's what I wanted to do.


This was one of those weeks that I knew would be rough so I started out with Wonder Woman strength but by the end of the week my muscles had deflated and I was emotionally drained. Man, I saw that sun setting over the city and I broke down. I do not mean to say this for pity. In fact, if I were to ever do that please leave explicit comments on the post as ramifications for my bad taste. No, I am not seeking pity because I'm talking about the good kind of break down. I generally reserve my tears for the shower or car rides exceeding 20 minutes... just how I roll. Every so often, though, a really solid cry leaves me feeling renewed.


When I saw this most glorious sight I was just like, badang God is good. On top of that, I was listening to Colin Hay- a fav of mine, and the song was Waiting for My Real Life to Begin. Now, half of me really loves this song because I feel like I am doing just that, but I also feel like I should be taking action so as not to feel that way, so I am faced with this dichotomy. 


You should also know that I am a quirky (some might say weird) person and therefore, do quirky (weird) things. One of these is that sometimes in love songs I pretend God is singing. Some might think that's touching, some might think it's stupid, but really I just do it because it's usually kind of funny or really bizarre. So for some reason I just kind of did that for this song and it was actually beautifully soothing.


"...be still my love  
Open up your heart, let the light shine in  
Don't you understand  
I already have a plan"

I know that is not how the song is meant to be interpreted, but it just made me feel really good.

Sorry for the lack of eloquence in this post. I hope you still enjoyed it.

Unconventional Advice.

Below I have listed 12 pieces of original advice that I personally believe will change your life.

1. Stop wearing underwear. Trust me, it will set you free.
2. Take longer showers. What's the rush? Enjoy a few minutes at the end of each shower of simply standing there letting the hot water massage your back. Relax and get yourself mentally prepared to have a great day.
3. Floss. Not everyday, because then it's not as satisfying when you do. If you wait a little bit between each floss, you can see the results of your hard work better.
4. Talk to strangers. I mean more than just a friendly "hello." Make people feel good by caring about how they are or complimenting them. Make eye contact. Smile!
5. Censor your daydreams. Fantasize about your possibilities, about the great things you can do. Invest in daydreams that leave you feeling inspired and motivated to be great. Avoid spending time thinking about things you can't change, about the way you want things to be; when you come back to life you'll be sad.
6. Climb trees as often as possible. And look down even if you're scared.
7. Don't wish time away. Live in the now. You can still be eager for things to come, but instead of sustaining a mindset of "I wish it were Friday," look for something to make today enjoyable. What's the point in not making the most of every day?
8. Tell people how you feel.
9. Only wear shoes when necessary. In other words while walking on hot coals, snow, or glass. (Or, of course, when the shoes complete your outfit.)
10. Exercise your creativity. It doesn't matter how.
11. Don't complain. Just don't. Few things in the world are more pointless than complaining. Crocs, for example.
12. Remind yourself of why you're awesome. Because you are. And it is a lot harder for people to notice if you haven't even convinced yourself.


#4 is dedicated to Alexis Renee Martin for living that way each day and spreading that lifestyle to me.

Roadkill.

Up until about two weeks ago, there was a brown converse sitting in the middle of Holmes Road just north of 85th street. It was there for a solid month or so. I passed it to and from school every day. The month in which that shoe resided between the yellow lines of northbound and southbound was not a particularly good month for me. On more occasions than I'd like to admit, I would be approaching 85th looking through the blurred vision of tear-filled eyes, in no mood to smile. Now folks, I am not exaggerating when I tell you that every time I saw that Chuck Taylor looking at me I could not keep from smiling. Every single day, without fail. See the shoe. Bing! Smile. End of story.

Some days I would be halfway home and remember it and look forward to seeing it for the rest of the drive. Other days I would be so preoccupied with my spinning head that I would totally forget about it until there it was and I was oddly instantly uplifted.

I will never be able to explain what about that shoe made me so happy. Perhaps it was the consistency or just the sheer bizarreness, but the day I noticed it was no longer there I felt like crying. There were so many things left unanswered: how did it get there? to whom did it belong? what size was it? is it a left shoe or a right shoe? But the real mystery is where did it go? It went a month without budging and then suddenly it vanished.

I miss that shoe, man. Now there is a dead raccoon (unrelated to the missing shoe) in almost the same spot, which evokes the entirely opposite emotion in me.

Moral of the story: look both ways before crossing the street.

Making Metaphors out of Molehills.

Have you ever gotten on an elevator and forgotten to push any buttons? And you don't really know how much time has passed before you realize you're not going anywhere unless you press a button.

I was standing in an elevator today and it hit me how clearly that parallels with life. I mean, you can stand in that elevator for as long as you please, but you will never reach the floor you want until you do something. All the while, life will keep going on around you.

Time doesn't stop.

So, until you make a decision to move, you're just going to stay right where you are- and then what good are you doing?

My life elevator doesn't have floors.

I refuse to let my life be defined by the ascension on a staircase of social norms we think lead to happiness. It's not like floor one- finish college; floor two- get married. And besides, I've always been an it's-about-the-journey-not-the-destination kind o' gal.

I just know that it's about time I press some kind of metaphorical button on my elevator of life and start doing something with this life.

The Thoughts I Think.

Tonight is one of those rare occasions in which I know when I finally lay myself down to sleep, that I have no need to wake up until I have satiated myself with slumber. It is nights like these that I exercise my power to stay awake for as long as possible and wait till the dim twilight of my mind, between fully awake and fully asleep, to start typing out the thoughts I think.

I try so hard to make art out of all my thoughts that sometimes when I reach a creative plateau I just stop thinking those thoughts altogether out of desperate frustration. And then there are the times when I avoid thinking the thoughts that keep me thinking because it is easier not to. Or the thoughts that keep me hurting but those thoughts are so hard to stop. Then, every so often I indulge myself with the musings that can only ever be thought and not lived. And I linger in that world of wishes for as long as I can before returning to what's real. I think we think about reality less than a lot of other thinkings. If you really think about it, thoughts about reality are a bit redundant. Reality is what is. Right now.

We don't need to think "I am breathing," we just are, and that is reality. Even when we sit and toil with the situations we would have longed to avoid, it is not the facts that we consider but the questions. That's not reality, that's inquisition. When we do repetitiously replay the reality of this life in our minds, we are no longer thinking, but dwelling. And despite the sincerity with which we declare to ourselves "I am going to have a great day," this is still not reality, rather it is hope. The hope that that hope will become reality.

I like to think of our thoughts as a solar system- with a gravitational pull as strong as that of the sun, bringing us back to those notions we can't shake. The thoughts we are drawn to the most but need more than anything not to think about because if we stare into those thoughts for too long we will go blind. Thinking about what you want doesn't make it appear just like thinking about what you're afraid to lose doesn't take it away.

Thoughts should be used for good. Like "what can I do to make today count?" Our thoughts should move us forward, not glue our feet to the floor of now, and certainly not drag us into the realm of what was or what wasn't because neither of those matter to Tomorrow who just wants us to appreciate him for all he's worth.

Such Great Heights.

Sometimes you just need to drive around for a long time with no destination, or even direction, and play some mellow music that makes you feel like you're in a scene from a movie, praying that a happy ending can actually happen off screen too.

And sometimes nothing feels better than to sit on the stairs in your backyard and look at the stars without thinking about anything except how far they go.

There are times when you just need to sleep. And times when you need to say everything you are feeling to somebody who really cares.

Sometimes you need to write.

And sometimes you need to delete everything you wrote because it's crap but at least writing it made you feel better.

And no matter if you're doing any or none of these things: don't, even for one second, ever forget to love yourself.

My new fascination.

Poetry.

I am obsessed. I've started writing it, reading it, listening to it. Everything. I don't know how I have been overlooking this most amazing form of art for the last all of my life.

Last year, almost exactly a year ago in fact, my buddies and I went to a poetry slam in Chicago. The whole weekend was a blast but it was those few hours of poetry that really blew me away. It was something I had never experienced before and I remember just loving it.

Somehow though, I put that night into a box and tucked it away until recently. Nothing embarrassing happened or anything, I didn't mean to never think about it. I just forgot. Until like 3 days ago and I started googling poetry like nobody's business.

I've been digging all of Buddy Wakefield's stuff (he was the main guy we went to see in Chicago)as well as other performers in the Elephant Engine High Dive Revival- the tour they were on. They came through Wichita on Wednesday and I was this close to going. Only one of the three dudes I went to Chicago with was willing to drive to Kansas from Columbia (or St. Louis). Bummer.

But anyway, that has been much of my life lately. Also, it's fall which blows my mind. I have been absolutely giddy with excitement about this change in weather. I told my friend Daniel the other day that I am "high on fall." And it feels good, man.

I think I will start posting some of my poetry on here. maybe. We'll see. But that is all for now, have a delightful weekend!