Taking off your watch.

Today I cannot stop thinking about how ungrateful we have become.

I got up extra early today so as to give myself enough time to look especially fly for my trip to Springfield tonight. (I don't know if you know this, but Springfield sort of expects all of its visitors to come looking sexy.) I have class at 9:00 in the AM, so I got up at 7:30. As I was damaging my blonde locks by way of heat, I realized I had probably given myself too much time to get ready. My first reaction was "well shoot, I could have slept longer." As soon as I let myself think that I realized that, if anything, I should be happy that I will have a few extra minutes to eat breakfast or just relax.

I got to school only to find out that my teacher wasn't going to be able to make it. Again, the initial response that ensued was one of frustration. I almost failed to recognize that I was complaining about a blessing. All of a sudden I had an extra hour of my day to do whatever I wanted.

So, I spent the next two hours catching up on homework and reflecting on the very things about which I am typing. I go to my 11:00 class to, once again, be informed that class isn't happening today.

In other words I have been awake for 4 hours for nothing, right? SO wrong. This is a problem we have today. We're always talking about wasted time. Somehow we've gotten into this mindset that if we're not doing something then we are wasting time. Even if we are doing something, in order to really make our time "worth it" we have to be doing something else too, we're the generation of multi-taskers. We can always be doing more and more to reach these goals we have. It's always about getting something done. What happened to just enjoying life in the present? If we take a few minutes to stand outside or just take a few breaths, we're accused of not using our time wisely and waiting in line is this huge inconvenience that gets in the way of doing important things.

Well I say sometimes doing nothing is important. I say life is not about managing your time just right so that at the end of your life you can have perfected a list of skills and climbed higher than a list of people and been awarded a list of titles and positions that really just meant you were getting paid more to be home less. I say we should think less about where we're trying to go, and focus on how we're getting there. I say that we should see waiting in line as an opportunity to be alone with our thoughts, or prayers, or day dreams. I say that we should relish in canceled meetings and extra time in the morning to praise God for the breath in our lungs and the pillow under our heads. I say we should stop caring so much about these tight schedules that lock us down and realize that every minute is a blessing.

This life is a gift for which we should be grateful. The weddings and graduations and promotions are gifts, but so are the car trips and elevator rides and the five minutes early that you got off work. How rude is it to write off some of these gifts as a waste? There will inevitably be times in our lives when we are forced to do things that seem trivial and lacking any conceivable merit, but it is still on us to decide if that time is wasted. Find some reason to make every day count for something. Walk away from everything feeling like it was worth something.

What's the point in coming out of something exactly as you went in? Let things change you for the better. Learn something new. Give everything a reason to be remembered.

As for me, I am grateful for these few hours to be able to manifest my thoughts for the first time in weeks and create something. I hope you have an exceptional weekend, whoever you are.

Being a tree.

I haven't really been able to think of something terrific to write about, or whenever I do find something I want to say I struggle to say it right. So, until this little blip of writer's block goes away, I will just share with you a few completely silly poems I wrote earlier this year. I was going back through my journal and found them, so I figured I might as well share these in the mean time. Enjoy!

Aren't you glad you're not a tree?
Although you'd live, and grow, and breathe.
You'd change, and blossom, then parts of you'd die.
People would cut you, and you wouldn't know why.
There are trees that feed
         and trees that weep.
Trees from which people learn to leap.
There are trees that are only for people to climb.
And ones that are judged a big waste of time.
Many trees do nothing but stand and make shade.
Others live on through the pages they've made.
The thing that makes people different than trees,
Is that they have no legs and they have no knees.
Trees can flourish and trees can sway,
But a tree can never walk away.


My thoughts on the rainbow:

I think that yellow is the happiest color.
Green has alterior motives.
Blue can be boring or beautifully brilliant.
Purple is for girls who dream of Prince Charming.
Pink is just misunderstood.
So is black.
Brown got the short end of the stick.
Red is like saying 'I love you' at the wrong time.
And orange has no secrets.

Boogers.

As human beings we have a natural tendency to want to be in control. We like to see what we're facing and be able to choose what happens with our lives. If even for a moment we are unable to see at least a portion of the road ahead of us, we go ballistic.

I remember the first time I sneezed while learning how to drive. I thought I was going to die, I really did. All of a sudden, while trying to master this terrifying skill of driving- putting myself and everyone else on the road at risk at all times- I was forced to close my eyes. No longer could I be sure I was staying in the right lane. I had no way of knowing if the car in front of me had abruptly stopped. What if I just ran a red light? I would have no clue. It's a temporary yet dreadfully scary loss of control- not to mention you are now inevitably covered in boogers. When sneezes attack, for 10 to 30 seconds (or 15 minutes if you are my grandma or Alexis Martin) we are forced to blindly grip the wheel and hope that it all turns out okay.

For some reason, nearly everyone speaks about events in their future as if they are clairvoyant: "in May we're going to Cabo," or "next summer I'm getting married" (note- these are two random examples, neither of which apply to me). How very presumptuous of us to think that we can ever know what will happen to us. Life is full of sneezes. Sometimes we feel them coming, and other times we are totally caught off guard. No matter what we think we see down the road, the truth is that at any moment we could be left gripping the wheel that guides our life with eyes tight shut, praying that we don't get in a wreck.

The mission of this post is not at all to spread propaganda for pessimism, rather to plea for a little flexibility. It's okay to believe in dreams and plans that we want to happen, but at the end of the day it is imperative to realize that not everything will go the way we've imagined it will. It's impossible to avoid the unpredictable anyway, why not invite some spontaneity to your existence? If your life is already full of surprises and lacking in routine, it won't seem so scary when life throws you a curve ball. Don't get hung up on the elaborately illustrated future you've painted for yourself and enjoy today!

Tents and ladders.

Plans change. People change. Or people don't change when you wish they would. Time doesn't stop when you wish it could. Kids are loud and break things. Moms know how to bake things. Friends move away and you miss them. Boys say nice things and you kiss them.  Boys say mean things that make you mad. Boys say nothing which makes you sad.

You set up camp under a tent made by hand with invisible stakes keeping it too low to stand. Then one day you cut loose what's been tying you down and take that great leap even though you might drown. Then the ladder of life you begin to climb, but fall short of the top when you run out of time. Or you miss a step on the ladder and fall, break both your legs, and relearn to crawl until healing you find from the back of your mind and in time you will shine again.

Prepare for the worst, but never expect it. Act on impulse, but never regret it. Know that love isn't always going to feel good, and sleep will avoid you more often than it should. Don't complain about things that you know you can't change. Do all that you can not to cause others pain. Take every opportunity that you get to feel free. When you look in the mirror always, always, love who you see. Never wish away any period of time. And never take for granted the sun when it shines.

New Year Revolution.

I can only remember making one New Year's resolution in my life. I was 18 and I had resolved to floss more often. It didn't last. I still floss less frequently than I do laundry, which is almost never. I'm a fan of the idea of making a choice to somehow ameliorate your life. I'm just not such a fan of waiting until the first of the year to decide something should change. And I mean, the evidence is incontrovertible that resolutions will rarely be completely followed through. I say, if you have something you want to change about your life, start changing it today.

Needless to say, I have not made a New Year's resolution this year. Instead, I've decided to make a list of things I would like to do in 2011. As you read this, I want you to keep in mind that I have only put things on this list that I feel are actually plausible. They are not in a particular order and I'm sure I will be adding to the list con mucha frequencia, but for now please enjoy the following list:

-Read [at least] 15 books.
-Give blood.
-Visit [at least] 3 states that are not Missouri or Kansas.
-Stand outside during a torrential downpour.
-Visit a beach.
-Sky dive and/or bungee jump and/or ride in a hot air balloon. (However, I've always wanted to get proposed to on a hot air balloon and I wouldn't exactly list getting engaged as a huge plausibility in 2011... so that one is probably going to move to 2012. or never).
-Get a tattoo.
-Get my nose re-pierced.
-Go to [at least] 5 live concerts.
-Karaoke
-Build something.
-Be involved in a non-violent protest (for a worthy cause).
-Write something original everyday, even if it is only one sentence.

Mirrors.

Have you ever noticed that how you feel about your appearance can vary depending on what mirror you're looking into? For instance, the mirror in my car always projects this deceptively hideous reflection of myself. Unfortunately, this happens to be the mirror into which I'm almost always looking while I apply my make-up. Ergo, I spend a lot of mornings feeling exceptionally ugly. Then, later in the day I'll look at myself in a different mirror and be like, "daaaaang, lil mama"(the voice of my inner monologue is black) without changing anything about my appearance. I'm sure it all comes down to differences in lighting and quality among the varying mirrors, and the endless mystery of the human psyche, but it's still bizarre to me.

I think this can be symbolic of the way we see ourselves through other people. Some people make us feel like a million dollars when we look into their eyes. Other people can make us feel extremely insecure. Some people shed light on the blemishes we fail to completely cover up, while others have just the right light to make our smiles look their whitest. There are people around which we can never fully be ourselves, and it's as if we're constantly sucking in to make sure we're just right. And then there are those people whom we love that make the perfect mirrors, the ones that reflect us just as we are. And although they don't ask us to change anything, they help us become the person we want to see when we look at ourselves.

Trying to change people is like cleaning a mirror. When we clean mirrors we merely scan the surface for toothpaste and water spots without actually seeing what is being reflected. It's an odd feeling to look at a mirror without looking into it; you have to deliberately limit your sight. Sometimes we try to "clean" people without really seeing them and without seeing ourselves. All we see is what needs to be removed to make them better.

I'm not really sure what the moral of this post is. I suppose I am just imploring everyone to focus less on the problems you see in your own (and others') reflections and try to consistently love the person you are despite the lens through which you are viewing yourself. It's okay to see things you'd like to work toward changing, as long as you still love the person that you are. You are beautiful, I hope you know that.

Surprising yourself.

My entire life I have loved surprises. I can't get enough of them. I don't just mean gifts and things like that. I am talking anything and everything unexpected. I love when people go out of their way to do something for me that I  was not expecting. It's not easy because I'm devastatingly optimistic and always expect the world out of people, and out of the world (...?). It goes both ways, I love surprising other people too. I just enjoy when my life is filled with things out of the ordinary, things I didn't see coming. I love not being able to predict the end of a movie. I love getting a random text out of the blue. I love getting flowers for no reason (although that has only happened once). I love finding things. I love running into people. I love stumbling upon an adorable little shop. I love it all.

Lately, I think I've been waiting for a surprise. Like some kind of "Ta-da! Everything is fixed now and you're going to be happy forever. Surprise!" But that's the thing about surprises: you can't wait for them. You can't expect or hope for them. I mean, that's kind of the point. And you can't always want surprises to come from someone else. My new thing right now is striving to surprise myself. I've been doing too much of letting outside forces (and people) determine how I feel and act. I have gotten miserably predictable. It's time for me to take back control. This is my life and I'm wasting it.

Here's to living! Do something you wouldn't have expected yourself to do. Surprise yourself!